Warning: This post could be emotionally triggering for some. This page serves the purpose of being transparent in hopes that my experiences could help someone else. Thank you for reading.
In 2017, suicide claimed the lives of over 1,000 young women between the ages of 15 and 24, the Los Angeles Times reported. Why not me?
While reading that question, I am sure you became somewhat concerned about where this is going, but stay with me here. If I told you I attempted to commit suicide in 2019, would you believe me? I do not think anyone would. I did not go to the hospital, post a bracelet, or even call a friend.
This was the biggest mistake and my main reason for creating this website. There was the thought I could get through everything alone without the help of others. At the time of my lowest, my daily life consisted of working in places and positions that the old me could only dream about. I could not even enjoy it because of the intrusive thoughts that were forced to become merely fictitious. I did not want to believe that I had become insignificant to myself. Mentally, it was not where I thought I would be in life. So, the idea of me having it all and still feeling small created a sense of denial that I could no longer deal with. There were times when talking myself out of ending my life became the most challenging thing I had ever done. The gift of life seemed unrealistic, and ending it all seemed so easy.
The night of the unspoken — I prayed and prayed, crying out to God for help in hopes that He would take me himself because everything became too much.
(This is where it gets weird if it hasn’t already. )
That night, I drew myself a bath to calm my nerves, I cleaned up and silently sat in my thoughts which lead to deep sleep. While I was asleep, I had a dream and was visited by my late great-grandmother, who died in 2018. (Rest in Peace Granny)
Granny walked me through my life and all of the fantastic things I accomplished, the what-ifs, and the possibilities of the future. There was something Granny said to me that stuck with me and miraculously pulled me out of my depression. “You’re bigger than your emotions. You have a purpose,” she said. The dream ended with her warm smile that felt as though she was physically hugging me and letting me know that I was stronger than my situation. I woke up with half of my nose planted into the water and tears rolling from my eyes. There was a sense of serenity and peace in the air. The next day, I took the initiative to talk to someone and form a self-care regimen that would be beneficial to my spiritual and mental growth. It would be odd for me to say that my healing process worked right away because it is definitely still a work in progress. The beautiful thing about healing underneath all of your pain is the growth that lies within it.
What’s that lyric by 2Pac?
“Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete? Proving nature’s laws wrong, it learned to walk without having feet. Funny, it seems to by keeping its dreams; it learned to breathe fresh air. Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else even cared.”
This is what this blog is centered around. The healing process that women like myself often ignore and try to dodge. The ugly truth that many try to avoid, and some might even embrace. Growth.
It is essential to know that growth and healing can happen simultaneously. You should be reminded that you are loved and that people care. You should know that when you feel like a fish without water, there is air. You should know that you do not have to go through this alone, but in the same breath, you need to go through your healing alone. Who knows you better than you? It hurts, and the idea of healing being easy is equivalent to a myth for most. Growing pains exist, but you’re not alone. Join me as we go through this journey of healing! Welcome to a new beginning.
PS: Here’s two worship playlist that I use to get my day started. Positive vibes only!